Decision Made

On Monday, I made one of the most difficult decisions I've ever made, which may seem strange to some, but it's true. I communicated to my bosses that it was time for me to resign. I have been an employee at Giant Partners for over 6 1/2 years now. And actually, I was their very FIRST employee. So, needless to say, the thought of having to tell them "goodbye" was crushing me. Through many tears, I was able to communicate my heart and tell them that this was a decision the Lord was leading me too... and it was received with nothing but support, understanding and encouragement. My life has felt divided over the last several months... wanting to be fully present with being a wife and mom, but also wanting to be fully present with my role at Giant Partners. The funny thing is, I was only working part time. But I realized something about myself - it's way too hard for me to just be "part time" with something when I feel so dedicated to it. I was getting frustrated, because I felt like I couldn't give either one 100% of me. This was causing some unnecessary stress in my life. So I prayed about this decision for a LONG time, asking the Lord what HE wanted me to do. He gently told me to lay my job down. You see, for me it wasn't just a job - it had slowly become my identity... something that was defining me. So I wrestled with thoughts of, what will people think if I'm "just a mom"? Being a "professional woman" sounds so much more important. I don't want to look like a failure...I don't want to let anyone down... What will I do with my time? What if I regret it? Etc, etc?? But after wrestling with the different thoughts I was having, God showed me where my heart wanted to be... with my family. And I also felt like there was a promise there, that if I was able to be bold and obey Him and lay this down, that there would be so much freedom and NEW things waiting for me in the next chapter of my life. Today I feel that. But I still feel much sadness too, because making the final decision to resign is actually like "dying" to a part of me. I will miss that company. I will miss the team. I will miss driving to the office in my business attire, knowing that I was a part of something so much bigger than me.But I am so hopeful... and excited... and relieved. Relieved to have that tough conversation over with. I feel extremely blessed to even be able to make a decision like this, because I know it's not an option for some... especially with my husband being in full support of it. But the great thing is, the Lord calls us all to different things. What may be right for me in this phase of life, could be totally wrong for someone else. It's really all about trusting, and doing what we're called to do, wholeheartedly. Fulfilling our purpose, and walking in that confidently. God has called me to close that chapter of my life, and enter into the next one with great expectation. And I am confident of this! I still have 5 more weeks to pour into Giant Partners. So I will be diligent and work hard, and give them all I can until November 9th. Then, it's on to new adventures in mommyhood!! And who knows, maybe some of my own creative juices will get stirred up a little more. Like maybe, just maybe, I will have time to blog a little more frequently. We shall see. All I know is that this feels good. It feels good knowing that I took a risk and made a tough decision. My soul feels free and alive!

Dancing in the Living Room

Tonight I was getting dinner ready, with the usual music blaring from the surround sound speakers, of which my husband is so proud. I can't cook without music. It's illegal. :) So I turned on my favorite station, XM 51. Immediately, Graham starts moving to the music. He's got an ear for it, I tell ya. Then he runs to me and throws his arms up in the air. With arms reaching up to the sky, he says, "Mommy, dance with me!" How could I resist?! So we clasp hands, run in the living room, and spin around, over and over again, until we are so dizzy we fall down, laughing hysterically. I love my son's laugh. It truly comes from deep within his belly! "More!" he says. He always wants more. So we do it again, and fall to the ground laughing. All the while, me, the mom, is loving this moment. And I remember the conversation we had with my 94 year-old grandmother just this morning, when we were visiting her at her assisted-living home. "You know, Adriane, your dad really handles everything for me now. He takes care of all my bills; he gets my medicine for me. He handles it all." There was gratitude, deep and sincere thankfulness in the words that she muttered. And suddenly I realized, the unique, crazy love between a mother and her son... and I smiled. Spinning around until I'm so dizzy I can't stand any more... Today my son is reaching for me. One day, I will reach for him. I'm so grateful.