A Million and Two

Yes, that's right. There are a million and two things in my life that I'd love to write about right now. It's been so long. I feel like my pen has run dry, and I've been searching for more ink for a couple of months...no, scratch that...for a couple of YEARS. Writing is an outlet for me, and when I feel like I can't do it, or when I can't find the time, a part of me aches. I need the release. I don't know how many blogs and journal entries I've written in my head. What has happened to my quiet time? My down time? My times of reflection? My creativity? At the stage of life I'm in, it's challenging to find this time. Then, if I do get the time, it's almost like I don't even know what to do with it any more. I am a MOM. This is one of the most amazing, fulfilling, and joyful gifts anyone could ever ask for. How blessed I feel that God would entrust two of his incredible little miracles to my care and upbringing. Wow. I am so grateful. But with such blessing also comes many challenging and stretching times as well. The biggest challenge is usually a constant dying to myself. In a world that tells me that life is and should be all about me and what I need, it's sometimes difficult to veer past that false reality and realize that it's not all about ME. It's not all about what I need to make me comfortable, happy and safe. But my flesh fights this...probably on a daily basis. Now my days are filled with pouring out everything that's been poured into me to train and love my children; to love my husband; to be more of the woman that God has created me to be. And I guess, right now, that's what I'm trying to figure out how to do well. How do I balance these things in my life? How do I continue to think of myself less, and focus on the amazing gifts that are right in front of me? BALANCE. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to conduct a juggling act...feeding, burping, changing diapers, cleaning house, disciplining, playing, going to the grocery store, making dinner, loving my husband, loving my kids, my friends, etc, etc, etc. I want to do it all well, with a joyful heart, and still find time to be still and quiet, grow myself, enjoy creativity and hobbies, take care of my body, etc. How do I do it all?? Whew. I'm making myself dizzy! I guess the good news is that there is GRACE. A much-needed grace. Nobody figures it all out right away. It's a journey. And I'm right in the middle of this journey.
I once had a wiser, older woman in my life tell me that there is always a battle over the priorities in our lives. But the number one priority has to be my relationship with the Lord. Me and God. So first I focus on HIM and what He's asking me to do/change/reflect on/etc. In the midst of a GIANT transition, like having a 2nd baby, that #1 priority can get thrown off kilter a little bit. And, I think I need a bit of a readjustment today. I need more of HIM. Need HIM to fill me up, and remind that I can do this. I can do the things He's called me to, and I can do them well. I can push through on the hard days, when I feel like I don't know what I'm doing or that I'm not loving well or that I just want to focus on myself. I can do it, because He's in me. And I can fight through the selfishness, because HE is greater in me.
Story: The other day, I was in the car with my two kiddos. After running errands all day, I made it home in time to unload the groceries, put my 3 year old down for a nap, and feed my baby girl, all before cleaning the house for our company that was coming over that night. I pulled in the driveway, with Ryan Adams "La Cienega Just Smiled" (my favorite tune at the moment) blaring in the speakers. I sat there before unloading and going inside, listening to the song. I started crying, as I sat there thinking of all the things that I'd like to do, feeling like I'm still trying to figure out who I am, just thinking of me, me, me. When all of a sudden, out of nowhere, my three year old pipes up, "Mommy, you know what?" I responded, "What?" He exclaimed, "I love Jesus." And my mothers heart smiled. Thank you God for children who remind us what life is really all about.

I look forward to posting the other million and one thoughts on another day...